Want to know what to get some people? Here is what many are going to get for Christmas, or what they should get......First, on the Sports Front
For Bengals WR Chad Johnson, some Stick-um, and a nutritional counselor so you don't keep cramping up and missing key series of the games....
For Bengals RB Rudi Johnson, Stick-um to hold onto the ball (three straight fumbles in 3 games)
For the Bengals Defense: the ability to tackle
For Bengals DB Torey James: a rocking chair, because you should retire
For the Bengals as a whole: Heart
For Reds GM Wayne Krivsky--the ability to listen to scouts who say pitchers have dead arms, and a book on how to judge character
For Ken Griffey, Jr.--a lifetime supply of rabbits feet...you need some luck
For the Reds owners--the ability to hire a GM who knows what the hell they are doing, and the ability to not keep a manager who lets the inmates run the place
For Adam Dunn--a one way ticket to Tampa Bay, you no hustling no effort giving sack of dog crap
For Terrell Owens--the awareness that he is not the center of the universe
For Tiger Woods--more championships and a press that lets you have a life and family
For Mark McGwire--a ticket to Cooperstown, since you should never be inducted into the Hall until you come clean
For Barry Bonds--a career ending injury
For Reds Fans--a real team with a real chance to win....
For the cast of ESPN's Sports Reporters--humility, because most of you are self-serving, self righteous jerks who think you are gods, when all you do is write about games....buy a clue, it isn't life and death.
And Elsewhere....
For President George W. Bush--Ronald Reagan's ability to communicate, as well as the courage to tell your Daddy's cronies to go straight to hell and take Lee Hamilton, Richard Bin Veniste, and Jamie Gorelick with them....
For Cincinnati City Clowncil--the ability to actually solve problems, not create more
For Cincinnati Police--the ability to do your job, without the Collaborative Criminal Agreement crap
For Valerie Plame--a husband who is a man, not a pathetic huxter and wimp
For Ohio Voters--change....you're gonna need it after Ted Strickland is finished raising taxes to cover all the programs he is going to do....Enjoy having every sexual deviant Strickland can find running our state agencies......
For Ted Strickland--a real marriage, not one of political cover and convenience....
and, the courage not simply to be a rubber stamp for far left policies.
For Bob Bennett, chair of the Ohio GOP: A one way retirement ticket to Florida, and a friggin rocking chair
For Bob Taft--a clue---NO ONE LIKES YOU AND NO ONE WANTS TO EVER HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN!
For State Auditor Elect Mary Taylor--a sense of humor and the ability not to take yourself so damn seriously....face it, you are a hot certified CPA.....Why run from that? Geez, lady, get over yourself already, it was a tongue in cheek compliment....just say thank you, and move on.....and by the way, I enclosed a bikini :)
For Jimmy Carter--follow the examples of Nixon, Ford, and BushI--ex-Presidents are to be seen, rarely; and never heard. Oh yeah, and follow the BushI cronies straight to hell....
For the Ohio GOP--new leadership and the courage to actually stand for something
For Osama Bin Laden--the chance to commune with your buddy Mohammed--in person.
For Kim Jong Il and Ahmidenijad: the business end of nuclear weapons
For Barack Obama--real substance and actual integrity, not the veneer thereof.
For Tom Cruise---sanity.
For Sly Stallone--the realization that Rocky is done...Bring on Rambo!
For Oprah--a slap in the face...
For Kirstie Alley--more clothes...
For Tara Connor--My phone number
For Rosie O'Donnell--a swift kick and a fade into the obscurity you deserve..the clock is way past fifteen minutes....yes, we get it--you are fat, loud, ugly, and gay....so why are you still on TV and Harvey Fierstein isnt? I mean, what really is the difference? May you fade away and just be seen on the LOGO channel.
For Mike Nifong (Duke rape case persecutor)-a pink slip and a big bill for the civil suits...can you say, miscarriage of justice?
For our troops--a media that was actually neutral, and not pro terror....
For the media--souls
For the SOB Alliance: continued growth and expansion of influence and readership
and lastly, for all of you, our WMD READERS, blessings and the wish for a very Merry Christmas!
