The ol homestead received a missive from Senator Whinovich, of Ohio. It was meant for me, but it was addressed to my sister. This happens infrequently, but it is frustrating to know that my party's leaders are too dimwitted to verify recipients of their materials. Anyway, the letter was typical of a self-important Senator: 3 pages of crap that could have been summarized with a few lines: I am scared to death I am going to lose this gig and not get invited to the cool parties anymore. Give me money and I will return your generosity by thumbing my nose at you. That was the gist of it, but I want to publish the fun and excitement here for you, word by word, with the true translation of fundraiser speak along with it. I guess you wonks out there would call this a fisking or something. Dear Fellow Ohioan,
A new year gves all of us a new start. And when it comes to Ohio Politics, we simply must not lok back, but turn our attention to the future.
Yes, don't look back, because you will see my own and ex-Senator Mike DeWine's betrayal of conservatism and Republican principles, and you might get an idea of why so many were turned off to our party. And of course, if you look back, you will see the man behind the curtain, Bob Bennett, and we can't implicate him, because he is my sugar daddy.
While last year was difficult for Ohio Republicans, it is crucial to our state and nation that we egin 2007 as energized as ever and ready to meet new legislative and political challenges
Translation: Let's ignore the causes of our defeat (namely me, George Voinovich and people like me who think principles are those guys who paddled you in school), and instead you should just open up your pocketbooks to me so I can spend some more. And I will do everything in my power to play nice with the Dems.
That is why I have enclosed your personallized (but to the wrong addressee, George) 2007 Voinovich Victory Committee Membership Card and I urge you to activate it today by returning a contribution of $25, $50, $100, $250, or even $500.HAHAHAHHAHAAHHA! Great, just what I need, another card that sucks my money away and leaves me with nothing other than bigger bills. Outstanding, George! And, of course, what this also means is that the only way I listen to you is if you give me money. Ain't representative govt. grand?
I am asking for your support now because we can't waste any time in building the war chest I'll need for re-election.
Translation: I have looked at the numbers and basically only Bob Taft is less popular than I am. I need your money now so I can use it to create commercials where I will pretend to be conservative, Republican, and responsive to the people. I need it to make commercials to make me look like a man. And, I am going to follow the left model that money is the only thing you need to win reelections. A plan which worked so well for us this past November.
The sooner we start to strengthen our Voinovich Victory Committee, the better positioned I'll be against any of the potential Democrats who are already salivating at the prospects of replacing me in the US Senate.
The sooner we start to strengthen the Whinovich Crybaby Committee, the better positioned I will be to block good nominees to top posts, make nice with Teddy Kennedy, and make sure Ohio's Senate representation will be totally blue come next election! And then I can write a book blaming it all on conservatives in sw Ohio and George W. Bush!
As these potential challengers begin to call aorund the state and nation seeking new friends to fund their political futures, I am calling on friends like you to help get the ball rolling on the next campaign by standing with me today. Please help if you can.
As the people who are going to beat my wrinkled puss begin to get money from George Soros and the like, I am calling on you little people who I regularly ignore and pass off to others or just plain pretend you exist to come and help me. Help me or I might cry some more.
As the 110th congress gets underway, the coming months offer a tremendous opportunity to chart a new course for our state and nation. And as our state's new senior Senator I want to lead the way in making it a time of meaningful change.
Translation: I want to be a nice little Republocrat RINO and make nice. This offers a tremendous opportunity to roll back tax cuts and get more of your money to service us in Washington. As the state's new senior limpwrist in the Senate I want to lead the way in making the 21st century look like the 1970s. Malaise for everyone!
Tta is why I pledge to you today I will continue to build on my bipartisan record and work with the new Senate Democratic leaders in finding solutions to many of the most critical issues facing our nation.
Translation: I will blame the President for everything. I will work with the Democrats in the Senate as I have done for the last four years, making our nation less safe, less secure, and trying to take more of your money away for social programs that have been proven not to work. I will continue to be a traitor to my voters so I will continue to get nice things written about me in the press and I can still make it to all the swanky parties in DC, because that is why I am here. And wait til you see what I think are the pressing problems!
As far as I am concerned, the growing crises in the areas of fiscal responsibility (tax and entitlement reform), energy independence, jobs and health care cannot be allowed to fester any longer--partisanship is simply going to have to take a back seat to getting these issues resolved.
TRANSLATION: However, the islamofascist threat is not important at all. Defending our interests from modern fascism hiding as a religion is not important at all. And I am going to pay lip service to fiscal issues, punish oil companies and reward DuPont and others who own wind factories. I am going to tax Big Oil, punish innovation, and not allow any more drilling. Also, I think the government should decide what you do, and I think Hillarycare is a good idea. Bring on the 8 week waits for heart disease patients! Brilliant! And if you conservative bloggers out there call me to task for supporting eaking away our treasure and our rights, well you don't have the best interests of the country at heart. I do, and so do those who would cut and run, my pals, the democrats.
Congress has talked long enough about tax reform and now its time for action. We need to replace today's broken tax system with a simple, fair, honest and pro-growth tax code that all Americans can easily understand.
Translation: Now, I am going to pay lip service to an issue the liberal leadership will never get to: taxes. I am throwing this red meat out there because I want to show how tough I am. And besides, I am serious about reforming the tax code and making it simpler: we get more, you get to keep less. See, easy!
Just consider this-it currently costs the taxpayers of our nation $240 billion a year in unnecessary legal and accounting fees just to comply with our crazy quilt tax code!
If we could streamline and simplify our tax code, that is an immediate savings to the taxpayer that doesn't cost the government a single dime.
I am currently working with a group of Senators and Congressmen from both parties on fundamental tax reform and we intend to soon bring this issue front and center in the national debate.
Translation: Just think, 240 billion of the government's money goes to finding ways for the American people to keep our money. If we could just streamline things, then it would make it look like we had done something and we could make sure government would continue to grow exponentially! Yay, I might have just picked up the bureaucrat vote! I am currently working with hacks on both sides of the aisle to make sure you lose more and government grows bigger to better make us look good, and God knows I need it. We will be adopting a plan based on some guy named Lenin. Wow, I love the Beatles!
With our nations ever-growing reliance on foreign sources for energy, we must face reality and declare a Second Declaration of Independence to free America from being beholden to fickle foreign governments who control much of the world's oil.
Now, this may sound like I am going to ask for us to drill more, to use the vast untapped resources in our land and territorial waters to make us energy independent, but if I did, those ethanol lobbyists and the windfarmer lobbyists, and Hillary's friends from Corning and DuPont would not give me money, and they throw great parties. So, here is what I propose:
Congress' failure to commit our nation's financial resources-and enlist the most brilliant minds in the country to take on the task of finding new fuel alternatives-only sets the stage for our country to pay an unthinkable price in the future
We have to have more windfarms and such. Even though it doesn't produce near the energy needed, do we really need to have electricity in flyover country? We could just send it all to the coasts, where I live most of the time anyway. Yeah, I know drilling in ANWR and offshore would make more sense and actually provide more jobs and do more, but this is all about intent and feeling good. Oil is nasty looking, I don't even change my own oil in my car. I want to have feel good energy, even if it means some of you out there have to sacrifice, and oh yeah, we have to raise taxes to pay for it, even though history has shown that real innovation comes 99% from private interests. Oh well, I failed history anyway.
In Ohio, the fight to retain our present jobs and create an economic climate that will protect small business owners and bring new employers to our state will continue to rank as my top priority.
In today's increasingly global economy, we need to ensure that any new trade agreements are fair--and we must enforce present ones. We need better laws to protect intellectual property. We need to reform the legal system to stop frivolous lawsuits. And company healh care costs must be contained. I am committed to fight--and win--on all of these issues
In Ohio, we need even higher taxes to drive out more workers. Why should we be the second worst in business climate, when we can be number one!
In the global economy, I am going to now appeal to isolationists like Pat Buchanan by talking some about fair trade. Of course, I think a fair trade is sacrificing a few judicial nominees for a weekend with Ted Kennedy at Hyannis port, so maybe I shouldn't talk about this much. But, let me close with a nice rah rah comment that means nothing....ah, much better!
Finally, Democrats and Republicans on Capitol Hill must put aside their differences and get serious about fixing our nation's broken health care system. Certainly, we don't need government run health care. Yet, solutions abound as to how we can confront this issue now before it explodes into an even larger, more costly crisis in the year's to come. What I have set forth is not a political wishlist. I consider it a contract with my constituents, and with all Americans. I will aggressively sponsor, argue, promote, debate, fight for--and do all in my power--to see real solutions to these problems advance in the Senate.
Translation: Democrats and Republicans need to get together to figure out a way to get Hillarycare without you knowing it. We need to look more like Canada and Great Britain. We better solve this issue now so we can create a bigger bureaucracy and further leach more money from the taxpayers who earned it to Washington.
This is just an effort to appeal to every voting bloc, not to stand on principle. I mean, do you really expect any of us in the Senate to fix anything? That would mean we might lose a talking point, and God knows we are too stupid to say anything new. I will aggressively be behind anything that moves my dismal numbers up, and i will be behind anything that gets good press, no matter how harmful to my constiutents. After all, my duty is to my pals in the Senate. And you better help me, or I might cry!
Common sense tells us that the time for bickering over these issues should be behind us--now it's time to deliver.
Ronald Reagan taught us long ago that when it comes to politics, we shouldn't worry about who gets the credit, the key is to get the job done. I've always admired that philosophy and it's time more politicians in Washington--on both sides of the aisle--embrace it.
TRANSLATION: All my liberal friends told me the time for debate is over. It is time to bow at the altar of political expediency, and you must deliver.
I am now going to invoke Ronald Reagan to score a few points with conservatives. I mean, if they see Reagan, they bow down, because they are too stupid to read between the lines. What I really admired about Reagan was the fact he had something I was born without: a spine!
The other job we must get done, no matter who gets the credit, is to re-energize our Republican base here in Ohio and once again build a powerful Republican party that can fight and win future victories for all of us.
TRANSLATION: We must never allow anyone from SW Ohio to lead the Party. We must energize our party by continuing to have RINOs from Cleveland lead the party, to expand the tent, to spit on our values, and to worry more about points that principle. We must clone Bob Bennett, my benefactor, and make sure that he can lead us forever. WE must build a party that thinks Democrats are not wrong on issues, but rather that we are wrong and must subvert our principles to win elections. We must kill the conservatives in Ohio in order to create a perfect union of tax and spend Rs with tax and spend Ds. Ahh, the beauty of it, I might cry!
Our ability to once again deliver our state's 20 electoral votes to the Republican Presidential canddiate in the race for the White House in 2008 depends on the actions of all our Republican leaders--including myself--take today in reconnecting with the voters and proving htat we have not abandoned our Republican principles and ideals.
I intend to lead the way in this fight as well.
TRANSLATION: The key to winning the White House in 2008 is naming a whiner as the candidate. That is a candidate I can get behind, and we should have. Therefore, i will vote for Chuck Hagel. And you should too, or we will get the death squads after you, or we will have teh party apparatus slander you and cut out funding avenues from you, just because you disagree and have the audacity to challenge an incumbent (see Bill Pierce). The key to victory for Republicans is getting back to our principles, but wouldn't Hillary look good in the Oval Office? I think so. That is why I will lead the fight against conservative values and candidates as well.
Whether arguing for increased ethics, fighting against the increased powers of lobbyists, demanding cuts in wasteful and excessive government spending, or championissues that touch the lives of all americna families...
...I will continue to be the same forceful leader that Ohioans have put their faith in for more than three decades. I am committed to fiscal responsibility, balancing our budget, and deficit reduction. We must commit to worker harder and smarter, and to put our overnment on a strict diet--our government needs to be forced to do more with less.
I will continue to be the same limpwristed, no backbone rubber stamp for bullying Democrats I have always been. I will continue to cry and whine and be sensitive, even while Rome is burning. Our government needs a diet, so let's cut funding for the troops. That is a plan I and my liberal coffeehouse friends can get behind. And let's not have a forceful presence at the UN, it might hurt someone's feelings!
it is precisely because I think that you and I share the same goals and values that I have forwarded your personalized 2007 Voinovich Victory Committee Membership Card.
Translation: I bought your name from a list, and I am trying to make it sound like I know you and give a damn about you. The truth is, if it isn't in DC or Cleveland or Columbus or New York or L.A., I don't care about it. However, please take this rather poorly crafted piece of paper to show that if we meet, I too, will say as we shake hands for the first time, "nice to see you again."
Today I sincerely hope you will stand with me as an active member of my campaign organization by returning a check or credit card contribution of .......in the enclosed envelope.
Today I hope you too will be fooled by my tough talk and become another sheep who gives me money thinking I actually care about you. Please send me money. I don't want to go back to Ohio. I love DC.
I am excited about this New Year as it is sure to be full of new challenges. And while it may not happen overnight, I am convinced that if we all work a little harder and fight a bit smarter, our Republican ideas and ideals will soon once again reign supreme in America's--and Ohio's--politics.
I am convinced that if we choke off conservatives from competing against me by raising a massive war chest, then we can throw them all out of the party and the new RINO ideas and ideals of no confrontation with Dems and having fun at their parties will dominate our nation, at least until the jihadists get here and force us to convert. Allow me to be the first to welcome them and convert.
Let's seize the opportunity and move forward to victory. Please accept my very best to you and your family in 2007 and let me hear from you today.
Sincerely, George Voinovich, United States Senator
Translation: Let's seize the chance to send me back to play in DC. I mean, you don't like me very much. I don't even know you, but let me act like I don. And, I would be more than happy to read your letters if they have cash in them.
P.S. Democrats across the nation already have their sights set on my Senate seat as "easy future pick up." We must prove them wrong. That is why I sincerely hope I can count on you to activate your 2007 Voinovich Victory Committee Membership card by returning a check or credit card contribution today. it is critical that we show that I have deep support from Republicans, Democrats, and independents alike. Thank you.
Translation: Demcorats see that I am hated by conservatives in my own state, and even though I have done my best to placate liberals, they are not satisfied and want MY SEAT. I mean, they think it is like the people's or something. But it is mine, I tell you, mine! And don't even think about contacting my office unless you activate your card by giving me money. So what if investing in Imclone would be a better investment, I pledge to give you what I pay for for lunch: nothing. And, I hope this letter has given you lip service to all parties, and please democrats, I am your pal. Don't be mean to me, or I might cry.
